On, Letting Go
Graduation Season Brings Risk and Reward
by Stephen Wallace, M.S.Ed.
April 3, 2006
school seniors everywhere will soon embrace a graduation season marked by
pomp and circumstance, risk and reward. Staying safe means balancing freedom
with responsibility and communicating honestly with parents. For many teens,
those arent easy assignments.
Young people venturing closer to true independence yearn for the freedom that parents extend based on assurances that nurture trust. But, something funny often happens on the way to commencement.
At graduation time, even clear-thinking teens may suddenly feel unburdened by the strictures of law and once open channels of communication between parent and child become clogged with issues of trust and truth.
A successful transformation of the parent-teen relationship from caretaker to caregiver, coach to consultant, requires confidence in the decisions young people will make. Unfortunately, a reality gap separating the behavior of teens from the perceptions of parents points to a "false trust" in many families, particularly at the intersection of decision-making about underage drinking and drug use.
False trust is perpetuated by ignorance and complacency on one side and, often, dishonesty on the other.
Many adults are simply unaware of the choices that teens face every day and, more important, of the decisions they make. Others simply look the other way, unwilling to put a stake in a ground they neither understand nor seem particularly concerned about.
Either way, their children lose. Absent parents truly connected to their world, or with ones abdicating authority over it, teens are forced to traverse the path toward independence unaided by the communication, expectations, and consequences they say they want. The liberating milestone of graduation aside, parental responsibility ends neither at the end of high school nor at the beginning of college.
To be fair, teens dont always make it easy for parents to keep up. For example, a new Teens Today report from SADD (Students Against Destructive Decisions) and Liberty Mutual Group, one of the nation's largest auto and home insurers, reveals that while almost all high school students say that its important that their parents trust them, less than half are completely honest about where they go and what they do. Staggeringly high rates of adolescent drinking and drug use often result.
parental prerogatives when it comes to adolescent health and safety requires
communicating with teens about important issues, establishing expectations
for their behavior, and enforcing consequences when they violate the rules
even at graduation time.
In an Open Letter to Parents, the White House Office of National Drug Control Policy (ONDCP) and partners say, "Your teen may be graduating soon, but that doesnt mean its time to let go." These groups, including SADD, offer this advice to parents.
also warns parents against allowing drinking at home, saying it sends the
wrong message and may lead to other bad choices. In fact, according Teens
Today, young people who drink at home are significantly more likely to
drink with their friends.
fact is that teens dont need or want their parents to
be simply bigger versions of their friends. They need their parents to be
parents especially during the waning days of high school when opportunities
to stray from well-established norms regarding personal behavior abound.
Bridging the reality gap by promoting dialogue, establishing parameters, and requiring accountability represents a meaningful step toward letting go.
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